


Smile Like You Mean It

by TheCatfish



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drabble, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jester's Buried Emotions(Tm), Mentions of Molly's death, hints of Beau/Jester, with comfort coming later right now its just hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 03:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16987467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCatfish/pseuds/TheCatfish
Summary: "You're a bad liar, Jester."Jester's smile is bitter."I'm a really good liar, Beau."





	Smile Like You Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so I'll probably do a second part with comfort from Beauregard bc i'm so Tired after that episode but right now i feel Jester's Hurt so that is what i posted... 
> 
> anyway jester needs a fucking hug and for people to pay attention to her feelings and not let her bury them for their sakes.

It’s all Jester can do to keep herself from throwing up into the ocean. She feels drained, exhausted, sick and… sad. A deep sadness creeps in at the bottom of her stomach and she can’t bury it away no matter how hard she tries.

 

A hand is on her shoulder. “Hey, Jester, are you okay?”

 

She freezes up before she glances up and realises it’s Beau. Her friend. Her pretty pretty friend.

 

“Fine.”

 

It’s a bad lie. One of her few. She’s too tired to perform.

 

“You’re a bad liar.”

 

Jester’s smile is bitter.

  
  


Jester is seven years old.

 

She knocks on her mother’s door, she distantly hears The Ruby’s makeup artist hissing something about scheduling and impatience.

 

Jester awaits easily with a brand new drawing in her sketchbook, humming idly as she hears footsteps approaching the door.

 

It creaks open and someone, not her mother, peers out and looks down at her. “Yes, Jester?”

 

“Can I see Mama?” Jester says with a big smile.

 

There’s a sigh of impatience and she looks down at her sternly. “You know The Ruby is having clients today, she doesn’t have time to deal with you. Now be a good girl and go to your room, you can see her later.”

 

Jester’s heart feels heavy. “Oh… okay. That’s fine!” But she smiles brightly anyway. Because she understands. Or she tries to, anyway.

 

So she skips back to her room, her insides twisting up. And when she’s safely barricaded behind her door she rips the drawing up into little pieces and throws it out the window.

 

Obviously it wasn’t any good, anyway.

  
  


She’s fourteen, sketching dicks onto her wall and chatting idly to the Traveller, who listens with the utmost patience. That’s one thing she likes about him, he’s never bored by her. She can tell him anything and he’ll listen with a kind smile and a new prank idea.

 

She tells him about her mother at great length, about how pretty she is, about how famous she is, about how kind and graceful she is. The Traveller’s interest seems piqued by it all.

 

“You haven’t told her, have you?”

 

“Hm hm?” Jester says brightly, rocking back and forth on her bed. “About what?”

 

“About me.”

 

“Well, I’ve told her a little. I don’t think she thinks you’re real,” Jester laughs at that. It had hurt a little at the time, but The Traveller will think it’s funny. Because he always does.

 

He lets out a small chuckle. “Well, that’s not a bad thing. Let’s keep it that way, hm?”

 

Jester pauses at that.

 

“You don’t want her to know about you…?” A few thoughts flow through her mind. About maybe how she described her wrong, maybe he doesn’t think she’s _really_ that beautiful or that kind.

 

“I don’t mind. But for now, let’s keep it a secret, yes? Secrets are always… enjoyable.”

 

“Oh! Oh, I see…” Jester smiles again, mischievous and devilish in a childlike way. “Okay! I can do that.”

 

The Traveller smiles gently. And a few moments later he’s gone.

 

And Jester keeps lying. And her isolation grows.

  


She’s in the dark. In the clutches of a monster, her wrists and ankles tied with rope, and a gag over mouth. There are a few in the cage with her, Fjord and Yasha come and go, Yasha enduring every form of torture their captors can come up with, and Fjord being tested and toyed with outside. By the second day they’re joined by a little gnome girl, hair bright blonde and eyes a pretty green colour.

 

Jester recognises the fear in her eyes, shares it even. She can’t talk, but she wants to lean forward, cradle her and tell her it’s okay. Because The Traveller is coming. Because Beau and Caleb and Molly and Nott are coming. Because they’ll all get out of her alive.

 

But it’s hard to lie with a gag on. So she just leans over to her, and hums the sweet songs her mother sung to her while the little Gnome girl with pretty blonde hair and pretty green eyes who probably won’t even live to see tomorrow cries and cries into her rags.

  
  


Sitting next to Nott, Jester has a feeling she knows what she needs.

 

The last few days must have been gruelling and difficult for her, and Jester feels her heart twang in empathy. Fjord, Yasha and her all had difficult days. But they never saw Molly die. They never had to go through that. And she thinks, Nott probably needs to be happy. Needs to think it’s all over.

 

So she smiles, and she dances and she laughs and giggles. She lies.

 

And in the dead of night, all alone, she writes to the Traveller, the one person she could never hide from no matter how hard she tries.

 

“Why didn’t you come…?”

  
  
  


Jester’s on the deck of the Mystake. Idly singing a song about her mom. _The Ruby of the Sea is the best lay evarrrrr…_

 

She hears the pitter patter of feet behind her and she turns dramatically. “Who goes there?!”

 

Yasha looks down at her, blinking in surprise. “Um… me,” she says.

 

“Oh! Hi Yasha…” Jester says, a little embarrassed. “Can’t sleep?”

 

Yasha shakes her head, exhausted. Jester thinks she hasn’t slept well in a long time. “No, not really. Why are you alone?”

 

 _Because Fjord kissed me and I can’t stop thinking about it. Because I feel like it should have been more and I can’t stop questioning why it wasn’t. Because he’s gone and I can’t find him and Avantika’s lights were on late. Because Molly is dead and I’m never going to see my mom again._ “Beau snores,” Jester says, scrunching up her nose.

 

Yasha smiles tiredly. “She does, doesn’t she?”

 

“Yeah…” Jester says. She doesn’t *really* mind. It lets her know she’s there. “Are you okay, Yasha?”

 

Yasha snorts. “Doesn’t really matter. Feel like I should be asking you that.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“You’ve seemed… I don’t know, a little sadder. I could be wrong, though.”

 

“Oh, I’m fine!” Jester says with a giggle. “Just… wanna get off this boat.”

 

Yasha agrees vehemently.

 

Jester thinks she’s losing her edge.

  
  
  


“I’m a really good liar, Beau.”

 

Beau opens her mouth to protest and Jester walks away, so she won’t see her cry.

 

 

 


End file.
